Done.

I am turning into not a very nice person.  The last year, has had an unfortunate effect of making me a bitter, crabby, bitchy person.  This is probably not really all that true, but I just don’t know how much more I can take.

Mea has said to me, too many times to count, that I am always making a frowny face.  Which is not good for my overall mood, not to mention that I am going to end up with permanent frown lines, and need Botox or something.

Let’s do a recap of 2013 so far…

My Mom diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

Fired from job of 10 years.

Unemployment for four and a half months.

More than one friend or friend’s spouse diagnosed with cancer.

One job offer, at a significant cut in pay.

Big daughter moves to Ohio.

House is broken into.

Small daughter’s babysitter quits with no notice right before Thanksgiving.

Big daughter calls crying as her work will not let her have any time off for Christmas, and she cannot come home.

This last one is just the icing on the cake.

Mack can’t afford to just quit her job, it took her 2 months to even find this crappy job she doesn’t really like, she had talked about just quitting and coming home, but this just isn’t really a reasonable thing to do.  My Mom is just devastated.  My heart hurts, I cried at work this morning.  Blubbered all over one of my co-workers. 

I cannot even begin to tell you what this is going to do to Mea.  She is going to be crushed.  She has said multiple times that she only wants Mack home for Christmas.  Now, she’s not fooling me completely, she still wants a guitar (she’s getting that) a computer (not so much) a I-Pod Touch (nope) and a Nerf bow and arrow (yes!), but I cannot provide the one thing that she has asked for over and over again.  It is at the top of each Christmas list.  I have even heard her whispering it to Sparkle Heart….

“I want my MackamooSissy home for Christmas….”

This breaks my heart, not just for Mea, but for me too.  I miss Mack like crazy.  I have been good, I haven’t complained about her not being here, I was sad when she wasn’t here for Thanksgiving, and I had to suck it up a few times.  I can only begin to imagine what Christmas without her is going to be like. 

Every year, for as long as she has been alive, and old enough to actually “help” Nana decorate their house for Christmas, she has been the main “elf” doing all of the decorating.  She told my Mom before she left for Ohio, that she understood that decorating couldn’t wait, but to please save the nativity for her to put out. 

My Mom made the nativity scene with her ceramics ladies.  Sanded, painted, and fired each piece herself.  The nativity has always been Mack’s last duty in the decorating.  Mom was saving it for her.

My Mom sent me a text that she can’t put it out.  She had my Dad put the box back in storage.

 We are going to pull everything together, get it wrapped so that I can get it shipped out in time for Mack and her boyfriend to have gifts to open.  Some of her stuff isn’t here yet, so I guess she may end up getting some of her presents in installments.  She has been making many of her gifts for the kids and grown-ups, so they are not all finished either.  I told her I would help her with the shipping when she was ready and able.

We have been planning on going out to visit over Spring Break, and to be honest, March 14th cannot come soon enough for me.  I need to see my girl.  I need to be able to touch her and give her a hug.  Skype is wonderful, but it’s not exactly the same thing as giving your big girl a snuggle.

I am over this year. 

It has been awful, and I just don’t know how much more I can take.

I’m tired of whining.

I’m tired of not being my normal snarky, somewhat happy self.

 

 

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In The Shop

My Super Mom cape is in need of a major tune up.

My candle has been burning at both ends for the last several weeks.  Trying to get used to my old routine, has been in a word. Difficult.

There is just so much stuff going on.

New job, learning all the new things that I need to do to make my work life work.

Getting these people who live here with me adjusted not only to me working again, but to also not be able to reach me at a moments notice, or for me to just be able to leave the office to tend to things whenever they arise has been hard on them and me.

In some ways it has been good for my husband to see all that I really did around here.  The cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, all the various appointments and things I did for him and for Mea without anyone realizing they were done.  I think he might appreciate me a little more than he used to.

A good example that came up a couple of weeks ago was that we had to get Mea into the only Saturday class for gymnastics.  There is only one class in her age group and level on Saturday.  There is only room for eight girls in the class.

He had to stand in line for two and a half hours to make sure she got into the class.  This is something I would have normally just done, but since I cannot have any time off in the next sixty days, ,much of this is being passed on to him.

He has taken much of it pretty well.

Mea is not liking that I am working again.

After all the bitching and complaining she did about missing daycare, and her friends, she is equally annoyed to have to get up in the morning, and mad that dinner is now such a late event.  Not getting off work until six means we are lucky if we get to eat at 7.

I have been attempting, especially with the first day of school coming up so quickly, (AUGUST 22nd!  That is in twelve days!), to find quick and easy dinners that I can have ready to just heat up, or that comes together quickly so my husband can start it whenever he gets home.  Any super fast yummy recipes for dinner would be appreciated.

Mack moved back in with us temporarily. With all her crap. And her cat.  There is stuff everywhere in this house.  There is no escaping the mess.  There is stuff in the basement, stuff in the back porch, stuff in the garage.  I have been doing my best to keep crap from piling up in the living room and kitchen, but every now and then some of her stuff starts overflowing into my space. The fact that Mack is here and is moving is also not helping in my Mea’s attitude problem.  She is not adjusting well to the thought of Mack leaving for Ohio.

They leave next Friday.

It is bittersweet.

It has also been so convoluted.  The original plan was for her to drive a U-Haul, and tow her car behind. Of course, her car decided to act up.  Now we are attempting to sell her car, and they will take the boyfriend’s car instead.  His mother has had many opinions about how they should move.  It has changed eleventy billion times since they first found out they were moving there.  She doesn’t want either of them to drive the U-Haul.  She wanted to rent a trailer type U-Haul, and pull it with her truck.  But then she didn’t want to drive back to our city by herself.  She doesn’t want them to tow the car.  She doesn’t want them to do anything that makes any sense.

They are adults.  She is 21, and he is 23, they are the ones moving.  It is all up to them as to how they get there, and what stuff they are taking and how.

Mack finally put her foot down last week.  Said they were renting the U-Haul, she was going to drive it, her boyfriend could either drive his car behind her, or they would tow it.  No one is driving with them, they are going by themselves.

Such a mess.

We are having a BBQ tomorrow, to get everyone together before they leave.  Sounds like we should have a pretty good turn-out.  I am just praying for no drama, and a nice afternoon.  I will finally meet the boyfriend’s Mom tomorrow at the BBQ.  It’s been two and a half years of them dating, and I haven’t even met the woman.

The other things will all end up okay.  We will get back into a regular routine once Mack is moved, and settled in.  Once school starts and we have a schedule set in stone.

I just need to be patient until we get there.

You may already have realized this if you have been around for a few years, but I tend to be a little bit of a control freak.

Right now, I feel like I do not have control of anything.

Things just seem to be happening, and I react to them as they come.

I guess it is all I can do, but at the same time, it’s not really how I roll most of the time.


Bloggling Sixteen

In no particular order, crap in my brain.

  • I had two interviews yesterday, an actual interview and a phone pre-interview that has led to an in person interview on Thursday.
  • Both jobs are making decisions next week.
  • Both have good points, and bad.
  • We shall see what next week brings.
  • Mack and her boyfriend are traveling to visit the grad school this weekend. He will see what the school and program are about.  Hopefully, they will find a place to live, and she can try to look for places to start applying to work.
  • We still haven’t told Mea about the move yet.
  • I want to, almost did the other day, but my husband hushed me the other day when I started to tell her.
  • It sort of made me want to punch him.
  • She needs to know.
  • I may tell her today.
  • I have asked Mack to come clean out her old bedroom.  Box stuff up she wants to keep, and throw the rest of it away.  I am happy to store it for her, but it would be nice to have that room to use.
  • It’s been three years.
  • It can’t sit in limbo for three more years while they are off in Ohio.
  • I thought she’d be upset, but she was fine with it.
  • I told her that I was going to move some of Mea’s toys down there, and now she want to paint a mural in there for her.
  • Mea will love this so much!
  • I am still at odds with my sister.
  • Last week, I asked her if she could take Mea for a night.
  • She couldn’t, the girls were staying the night with friends, and they were going out with friends.
  • I understood, to a point.
  • I am slightly annoyed that she never asks for her niece, or if she does it is for an overnight on a Wednesday or a Thursday, which really is of no use to us.
  • She told me to ask my Mom to take her.
  • My parents had my nieces the next night, they had been out-of-town for the previous few days, and I felt it would be too much to ask.
  • Mom tires easily.
  • The kids are exhausting.
  • Two nights in a row would be too much.
  • My sister told our Mom (after the fact) that I had needed a sitter and wouldn’t ask her.
  • My Mom then “yelled” at me for not asking her to take Mea.
  • My sister is a big blabber mouth.
  • But I guess we already knew that, right?
  • My Mom had a CT scan yesterday.
  • Results back tomorrow.
  • Dr. Chemo told her the other day, that another patient he has currently in the same trial as my Mom is going into his fourth year on the program.
  • This is really encouraging.
  • Next week, Mea is being moved up to the advanced class in gymnastics.
  • She is soooooo excited.
  • We bought her a practice mat for her birthday.
  • My parents bought her a practice beam.
  • At least now when she is flipping around the house she won’t be landing only on our hardwood floors.
  • Cushion is good.

This is it.  Don’t forget about the Joseph Nogucci giveaway!


Bloggling Fourteen

My brain is mush due to boredom.  Here is a smattering of things taking up space in my head.

  • Cancer can kiss my ass.
  • I am tired of it messing with my family, friends, and everyone else for that matter.
  • There isn’t a day that goes by where the word cancer doesn’t enter my brain.
  • Jen wrote a post yesterday that nearly broke my heart.
  • You would think that with all the technology and medical breakthroughs that we have in the world that cancer would be a piece of our past, not an ongoing uphill battle.
  • I have been coming up with a list of things that I can do to attempt to raise money for lung cancer research, and to help other families who are dealing with the chaos that cancer causes.
  • I took Mea to get her hair braided yesterday afternoon.
  • My friend, who does Mea’s hair, has a daughter who is almost two years old.  She reminds me so much of Mea at this age.
  • She is obviously, adorable.
  • With a little bit of stinker mixed in.
  • We had an impromptu sleepover with our  baby grandson last night.
  • He had been being a bit of a stinker for his Momma, and I could tell she needed a break.
  • This earned me a “I have the best step-mom in the world.” post on Facebook.
  • My oldest step-daughter chimed in on how great I am.
  • I sort of love it when that happens.
  • Where he may have been being a stinker for his Momma, he has been a perfect little angel for his Nana.
  • My sister told my Mom about Mack and her boyfriend moving.
  • I had asked her not to say anything, so that Mack could tell Mom herself.
  • I am not very happy with her right now.
  • My Mom took the news very well.  She is very supportive of everything.
  • We are going to plan a surprise party for Mack’s boyfriend to congratulate him on his acceptance.
  • Glad that I have a new car to make visiting them easier.
  • I am going to tell Mea about them moving tomorrow.
  • I am not looking forward to it.
  • I haven’t heard from the company I interviewed with last week.
  • Going to call the manager today.
  • Hopefully, I will get some good news, or a time frame as to when they will be making a decision.

This is it for today, I can’t think of anything else.  Have a great weekend!


Realistic

There are times when you just need someone to vent to.  Yesterday was one of those days.  I just needed someone to listen to me, and for them to try to understand where I was coming from.

I called my sister, and it was a huge mistake.

Later, I was able to text with a great friend, and I felt much better about the entire situation when we were done.

I am really irritated with my sister after our conversation yesterday.

Mack called me when she got off work yesterday.  Her boyfriend was accepted into the graduate program from the final school he was waiting to hear from.  It is a great opportunity for him.  Full tuition, plus a stipend each semester.  I am happy for him, and for Mack.  The school is eleven hours away by car.  It is not the closest school he applied to, but it is also not the furthest away.

He has even been concerned with them leaving knowing that Mom is sick.  He told Mack that he felt guilty for being excited about it, knowing that they would be leaving the state with her sick.  He said that he would understand if she stayed here.  He also said that he would like for Mea to come stay with them for a week or two during the summers.  The fact that he said and thought these things, makes me know what a great guy my daughter is with.

I have obviously known this was coming.  A year and a half ago, I even wrote about the possibility.  It is not a surprise.  I just recently talked about how the timing couldn’t be worse, and that is where my fretting comes from.

I am supportive of my daughter (and her boyfriend).  I wouldn’t do or say anything to hold her (them) back.  I just worry, fret, and over-think things sometimes. It is how my thought process works.  Of all the people who know me, my sister should know this better than anyone.

I know that this is going to be hard on my Mom.  She and Mack are close.  I don’t want them to miss any time together, but it is what it is.  I also know that my Mom wouldn’t want to hold them back either.

I needed to talk it out.  My husband was on a conference call after I talked to Mack, so I called my sister.

It was a mistake.

Her response to everything I said was curt.  When I said that my biggest concern was Mack being able to spend time with my Mom before she couldn’t due to the time frame we have been given, she snapped at me.

She said that I didn’t know what the time frame for Mom’s life was, that miracles happen every day, that I should quit being so negative and start believing in miracles.

Now, I know that sometimes miracles happen.  However, I am not putting all of my eggs in the miracle basket.  I think it is ignorant.  Preparing yourself for what will most likely happen is not being pessimistic, it is being realistic.

Mom is responding well to the chemo, she is handling the treatment well.  However, she still has the prognosis of being a terminal cancer patient.  She may live longer than the 6-24 months that they have said she would live.  She also may not.

From everything that I have read, there is a 10% chance that she can live for up to five years with this diagnosis.  My guess is that her doctors have given us a pretty close guess as to how much time is left.

My sister accused me of trying to hold Mack back.  I didn’t say anything close to this, she just went on the attack with everything that I had to say.  Part of this stems from her own past and issues.  She had wanted to go to an art school after high school, and she says that my Mom talked her out of it.  She says that Mom convinced her to go to the local community college instead.  This may be the case, but if she really wanted to go, she should have stood her ground and applied to the school.  She didn’t.  She and my brother-in-law were together by then, and he still had a year of high school left.  I seriously doubt she would have gone even if she would have applied.

I feel like she tends to attack my parenting frequently.  I don’t know where she is coming from doing this either.

I just needed to talk about it.  I needed someone to just listen to me vent a little bit.

It will all work out, the way that it works out.

I don’t really even know what to do or say to her.  It might be best for me just to not say anything at all to her for a while.  I am so annoyed with her right now, I don’t even think that I can talk to her without being noticeably pissed off.  Lately, she has just been so stuck up in her own little world, it’s ridiculous.  I probably should have known better than to call her, it seems like we have been at odds on a lot of things lately.

I know that I am not going to sit around being delusional about what the future holds for all of us.

I will hope for the best, and prepare for the worst.  I think it’s the only logical way to deal with this whole thing.


Timing and Time

A little over a week ago, Mack came down to have dinner with me and Mea.  I had invited her boyfriend to eat with us as well, as I usually do, but this time she wanted it to just be us.

Mea went to play in her room for a little while, and Mack plopped herself down on the couch, and very seriously said that she needed to talk to me.

I must have had a look of panic on my face, because the first thing she said was, “I’m not pregnant Mom.”

Not that it would be that big of a deal at this point.  She is almost twenty-one, she and the boyfriend have been together for over two years.  I wouldn’t be surprised if they ended up getting engaged sometime soon.

What she needed to tell me was that her boyfriend had applied to several grad schools.  That if he was accepted into one of the programs that she would be moving with him.

Honestly, I had anticipated this.  I had thought of it last year after he graduated from college.  He had decided to work, save some money, see if he could get a production job without a master’s degree.  He did work.  He has saved money.  He has been struck down for every job in TV that he has applied for.

He applied to three different schools.  One in New York, one in Wisconsin, and one in Ohio.  He has been wait-listed for one school, and as of right now two schools have turned him down.

I feel bad for him, that this is how it went.  However, the timing would have been awful, so in some ways I am relieved that this is what has happened.

Having Mack forty-five minutes away in Yellow State City, is nothing compared to having her live in another state.  I actually think that I would do “okay” with her moving with her boyfriend if it came down to it.  I know they would be back, I know they would visit, I know that we could visit them.

I don’t think my Mom would be “okay” with her being so far away.  Not right now.  Not with this limit on time that we have left with her.  I decided not to say anything to my Mom until he was accepted into a school.

Mack told me last week that he had been declined by two of the schools, and that he was wait-listed for the other.  His best guess is that he will not get into the wait-listed school.  The program he is trying for has a very limited amount of openings available per school.  The funding for them is so good that the program is basically free.  He is going to try again next year.

I went ahead and mentioned something to my Mom about him applying for the programs and not getting in.  She said she would be sad, but she wouldn’t want Mack to put her life on hold just because of her.

I had a feeling that would be what she would say, but I still think it would have been especially hard on her if Mack would have actually moved so far away right now.

I wish that this wasn’t a thing that we even had to think about.  I wish that everything was how it was back in December, when everyone was healthy, and employed, and our family hadn’t been handed so many issues and obstacles.  Quite honestly, it is all wearing me out.


Bloggling Thirteen

Let’s get to it.

  • I bought a printer today so that I can print resumes when I need them.
  • Mea thinks she is in heaven.
  • Which means she wants to print ALL. THE. THINGS.
  • Let’s see if there is enough ink in there when I go to print the resumes off.
  • Tomorrow is my unemployment hearing.
  • A conference call.
  • I am a little nervous, but I don’t think I should be.
  • Kind of stupid.
  • Remember back in the olden days when you had to get dressed up, and actually fill out applications for employment by hand?
  • Truthfully, it kind of makes you at least feel productive.
  • Instead of applying for jobs in your pajamas.
  • With bed head.  (In my case sporting an Ed Grimley.)
  • While drinking coffee and watching Kelly & Michael.
  • Okay, maybe today’s way is pretty much full of awesome.
  • Mack bought a bike today.
  • I have been trying to convince her to buy a bike for the last two years.
  • Since she left for college.
  • She is done in a month.
  • Kids are weird.
  • Mea lost a tooth at school today.
  • It was pretty wiggly before she left, but I didn’t think she would actually lose it there.
  • She showed me.
  • I think she kept working on it all morning.
  • Losing a tooth at school is kind of cool.
  • You get to go to the nurse.
  • You get a cool little tooth chest.
Toothless!

Toothless!

  • Mea went to the nurse during lunch because her tooth was bleeding.
  • Immediately after, during recess it came out.
  • So really she got to go to the nurse twice.
  • Epic amounts of coolness.

That is all for bloggling numero thirteen.  Wish me luck during my conference call tomorrow.  I need to stop being a dork.  This should be a no brainer.